The shock of hearing your baby was no longer living seemed like all I could bear until I then was pressured (by myself-no one in particular) to decide where we wanted to bury her. Bury her?! That in itself was very difficult for me to process, I had to purchase land for a baby I never was able to hold alive? I had to make plans with a funeral home to pick out a gravestone? This was all too much to process at the time; I remember being so confused and just trying to go through the motions, putting as much shock and horror on a shelf to be later dealt with as I had to process going through a delivery of my first child that wouldn’t be coming home with me.
The next few days are a blur, I can’t say when exactly each of these experiences happened (I know Kevin could, but this is my perspective—maybe I will have Kevin sit down and document it for me one of these times!) So I will share with you what happened that lead to her birth.
I will forever be grateful for the specialist office as they referred me to a non-profit organization, Angel Babies. They deal with the loss of babies and grieving. Within a day or so I had someone calling me wanting to meet with me to help offer support and advice during this difficult time. Her name was Lori, and she came by and offered great advice about funeral homes, and connections to the hospital staff that could make me more familiar with the process I’d be going through. She gave me a beautifully sewn packet full of paperwork, a stuffed animal for me to hug while I was in the hospital, and a crocheted blanket for Autumn. She also left a small wooden box to put anything I wanted to in for memory sake. This organization was a huge lifesaver in my grieving journey. I’ll speak more about them in the way I handled my grief.
Lori offered a number to a lady at the hospital I’d be going to who had a lot of experience with my situation. I immediately called her as I was very nervous for what would happen, I was petrified of normal delivery let alone this foreign process that I had no idea what to expect! She was very friendly and let me and Kevin go on a hospital tour of where we would stay and what would routinely happen. It felt very strange walking into the hospital pregnant, knowing that I had no purpose for my round belly anymore. It was like a secret wherever I went, people had no idea I was carrying a lifeless baby inside of me. It was such a strange feeling. After the tour, I felt a tad relieved to know a little bit of what would be happening.
I had another friend come and stop by my house to share her unfortunate experience with losing a baby. She was an RN and I felt so grateful for her taking the time to sit with me at my house and answer my questions and share with me her experience and what may or may not happen. She explained that depending on my body and the baby, I could be in “labor” for a few days before the baby came out, or it could be a short while. I was so scared this process would linger as I dreaded going to the hospital to begin with. I had Kevin and another person from our church give me a blessing that it would happen speedily as needed and I would be able to handle this.
My sister and mother flew out to be with us and I am grateful they stopped everything they were doing in their lives to support me. They are both busy with work and school and their time is precious. I will forever be grateful they were able and willing to hold my hand and make us smile during a time of darkness for Kevin and I.
Here is a picture of us the morning of. Amy talked me into taking a picture as I didn’t want to remember this day, but she helped me realize I’d want a picture. Since the day I found out I no longer was having a baby girl, I found it so uncomfortable to smile when people wanted to take pictures, I remember feeling weird cause whenever anyone takes a picture you’re supposed to automatically smile, right? Well, it felt foreign on my mouth as I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want to pretend to be happy or enjoy the moment. I was sad, angry, and confused. I forced a smile, half-smile, whatever, as I tried to get through the moment.
When we arrived at the hospital early in the morning we had to check in, I remember the lady helping us check in asked for my reason being there. I stated “for an induction” She gave me a hard time for not “pre-registering” as my doctor should have told me to. She quickly gets on the phone to call my Doctor’s office and let them know they need to tell us patients to pre-register. I knew she had no idea I was about to deliver a dead baby, so I tried to quickly defend my doctor and state that I lost my baby a few days ago and there was no time to pre-register, and she may have told me but it slipped my mind. She then turned a little warmer and asked “is this baby your first?” I replied yes, and she felt the need to add “oh, well there is always next time.” WOW! The first of many comment “stings” I had. She then goes on to make us sign tons of paperwork about how we promise to use a car seat on our way home, and other unnecessary things for my situation. I realize she was doing her job, but at that moment I was very sensitive and I took everything very personal.
Off we went to our room that they specifically set aside for me. On the opposite end of all the happy pregnant mommies who get to take their baby home with them. They did their best to put me on the far side with no pregnant mom’s so I don’t hear babies, but of course they can’t guarantee anything. I was lucky enough to never have seen or heard any babies or moms. I count that as a blessing.
They induced me by putting a tablet in my vagina and then we just played the waiting game. I could dilate fast, or it could drag out. My mom, sister, and Kevin were there for a while just chit chatting, and watching TV. His dad came for a few hours and his sister did as well. It felt nice to have that support and have them take time out of their day to show their love and kindness for us. I wasn’t in much pain for most of the day, it mostly hit me towards the early evening and I didn’t know if it was going to get worse or if I was very close. I do remember whatever pain killers they were giving me were awesome! The more I had them, however, the more my body became used to them so they didn’t work as well as the evening came. It got to a point where I was in a lot of pain and didn’t know how much more I could handle. The nurses were trying to talk me into an epidural, but I was so afraid of that I didn’t want to do it. I was so afraid of the needle and feeling it in my back. I refused the first few times, but it got to the point where the pain outweighed me caring about the needle and I was ready for that epidural!
The epidural was a traumatizing experience for me. Even at the beginning of my pregnancy I debated back and forth whether to have it or not, mostly because of my fear of the big needle and knowing that it was going into my spine. That thought bothered me a lot. I knew at the beginning of the pregnancy I’d have time to think about it so I never fully made up my mind. So to have to be thrown into this situation and not be “mentally” ready for it was very scary and caused a great deal of anxiety for me. I remember being so tense, crying, and having a small anxiety attack at they were prepping and inserting the needle. I squeezed Kevin’s arms so hard and tight, I am surprised he doesn’t have scars! This was around the time of the nurse switch as well. My previous nurse was sweet, young, and fairly new. She was patient with me and kind. The new nurse happened to come in right as I was having my anxiety attack, and I just remember yelling to anyone that I was going to throw up and I need a barf bag and this nurse grabbed a barf bag ran right up to me and was very assertive in telling me to breathe, calm down, and stay still. Looking back, she was very curt and almost rude, but it was what I needed at that very moment to get through the epidural.
I got my epidural close to 8 pm and I had immediate relief for the most part. I was still having a lot of pain in my upper right side (I now know those were contractions) it was very painful, as if someone was taking a very sharp knife and stabbing me back and forth. I could hardly breathe. I let my new nurse know and she just told me I need to lie on my left side to let the epidural get to that side. I tried to have faith in her statement that it would help but the pain was getting worse and I couldn’t help but complain. I could tell the new nurse was a bit annoyed with me probably in her eyes just another pregnant lady who couldn’t handle pain. She didn’t seem very sensitive about the situation; I didn’t have time to care. The pain was reaching a peak point and I was about to lose my mind when I started feeling a lot of pressure like I had to go to the bathroom (before the epidural I had a lot of feeling like I had to pee, and kept going to the bathroom over and over with little coming out. I heard that was normal and to be expected) this time it was major pressure, like when you had to hold your urine for a very long time and finally it was time to go to the bathroom and you get so excited for relief, but for me it wasn’t coming, just that intense pressure and pain, I called out to everyone that something was happening, that I was scared. The nurse didn’t seem to think much of it. I think she thought I just needed to be patient for the epidural to fully kick in. All of a sudden relief swept over my body. The pressure was gone and it was the most relieving feeling ever. As if a huge water balloon popped inside of me. I look back and have no idea how I had no idea that was the baby coming out of me. I just thought something terrible was happening to my body and I was going to die.
The nurse didn’t think anything would happen and when it did she looked panicked and called the doctor, she was calm about it and could tell I was in shock, I just kept asking over and over what had happened and if I was going to be ok. That was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life. As soon as the doctor came in, I speculated what might have happened (I think I was in major denial and until someone would tell me what happened I didn’t believe it was final) I was so nervous what I would feel as a little baby came out of me. I had no idea what was going to happen to me, I thought I would scream and yell and be angry and not stop crying. But what happened was something I never in a million years thought I would feel. And even now as I still struggle with hurt and anger and the “why’s” I can’t believe those feelings I felt. When she finally came, and the doctor ran in and I remember looking over and seeing her pull up the baby and instantly Kevin and I held each other and broke down into tears, just uncontrollable sobs. The doctor was wiping the baby and set her on my chest and instantly those anger and sadness feelings disappeared and I felt so much love. I actually felt peace as I held her and couldn’t believe that we created something. She had ears, mouth, tongue, toes, hands, eyes, and the cutest eyebrows. We just sat in awe and I couldn’t believe that was inside of me. I felt so much love. The spirit was very strong and the whole room was just peaceful. I felt so much love for her that I can’t even describe in words. I even told my mom as she was in the room “if I had known that from the beginning that this was going to happen. I would do it all over again, just to feel what I feel now for her” . I look back and think…WOW! With all the pain, hurt, anger, sadness…who would want to go through that AGAIN? Those feelings were so powerful I was content with it. Of course not having those feelings all the time make it hard to say those things now, I just have to remember the love and awe I felt whenever I feel so down and depressed.
We had someone come from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep take pictures of her. It was creeping up on 11 pm and we spent a lot of time holding her, getting footprints, and quietly visiting. I was exhausted.
They had Autumn stay in my room for a while and asked if I wanted her there all night with me. I was really uncomfortable with that and asked that she be taken for the night. I was really struggling with how to process all of this. I asked for some sleeping pills so I could be “knocked out”. I just didn’t want to be at the hospital. That night was so foggy. Nurses kept coming in to check vitals and I had to sign paperwork for the morgue and funeral home. I felt like a lot of things were thrown at me at once and I had no time to even think about what was happening.
The next morning I wanted to leave so badly. I hurried got dressed and waited to be checked out. We were gone mid-morning. I felt so empty. I felt like my identity was taken from me.
My mom and sister had to leave that Sunday. It was very difficult to say goodbye, as I felt like they were the only ones that KNEW what I had just gone through. Without them, we’d be suffering alone and I didn’t want to do that or start the “carrying on” process. Having them leave was the beginning of the worst for me!
Click on the pictures to enlarge.
