It is so difficult to know where to start this horrific story. There are so many things I want to remember, and so many things that I don’t want to as I try and recount what has happened. I know in the future I will want to reflect back and remember this trial, and the tender love I felt for Autumn, but I have been avoiding this moment just because I don’t want to re-live the sadness and fear I felt.
**Just to preface this story-I’ll make a quick note as to when we found out we were pregnant. We had started discussing starting a family back in December of 2012, but really trying January 2013, and found out we were pregnant in June, I remember taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom and it being positive and me yelling and whipping the door open to see Kevin waiting right there for me! We were in shock, we just couldn’t believe it was really real. That day we went to Babies R Us going down each aisle, just dreaming and talking about the future. I had a real rough first trimester. throwing up 3-4 times a day. Couldn’t keep anything down and very dizzy/nauseous. It was very depressing and difficult to stay positive when every day felt like a week. It slowly got better as I made it to 15 weeks.**
In August (2013) I had an opportunity for the Dr. to do a “FUN” scan as they call it and for fun they could go and see if they could tell what it was, I was 16 weeks pregnant and excited to learn what it might be because that weekend Kevin and I were going to go to Utah for Labor Day weekend and us girls in the family were going to spend it at Swiss Days in Heber where they have a lot of fun booths and fun baby things and I wanted to know what type of baby things to buy…so I was overjoyed to have this spontaneous scan…Kevin wasn’t there because I thought it was going to be a boring appointment, so when I learned it was a GIRL…I couldn’t keep it a secret and had to call Kevin right away, He was overjoyed because that’s what he was secretly hoping it was, and I couldn’t help but fall in love right away and start thinking about all the fun things we could buy and do for her.
The next week after coming back from UT, I went with a friend to be scanned as she is learning to be an ultrasound tech, she confirmed again that it was a girl and I was still so excited. The heartbeat looked great, and she measured exactly what I was estimated at.
Now come September 25th, for my 20 week appointment and scan, the ultrasound tech confirmed once again that it was a girl, and she went on to measure all the parts of the baby, her heart, which looked great (according to her), her head, arms, fingers, feet, legs, and all the other parts they routinely scan for. My doctor did let me know that they send these images to their specialist doctor, he looks them over and if they want to re-look at any part they may call me in again to look closer and that if they do call me not to panic because most of the time it is nothing and the images are difficult to see certain things so they like to be thorough. I was okay with that as I knew being a first time mom I would panic about everything and I just kept trying not to be “one of those moms” who worried too much, so I played it “cool” and trusted what she said.
It was a week later that I got a phone call from the Specialist office leaving me a message telling me they scheduled an appointment for me to come in that Tuesday, October 8th to have an ultrasound done. Kevin and I had previously been to their offices for our first-trimester visit, so we knew their machines were nice and they were more professional at what they did. I was a little confused as last time my Doctor let me know they referred me and then I received a call from the specialist’s office. I was surprised I didn’t hear from my doctor that my images needed to be re-scanned and I wondered if I should panic or if it wasn’t a big deal like they told me. I debated whether to call the doctor to see what they saw, but decided I shouldn’t panic and just keep that appointment and they will let me know. Of course I couldn’t help but be a little worried, and I remember that night or the following night talking to my mom on the phone and letting her know they had called and I had to go back in, and was a little worried, but I tried to push the worry away. A few days later, I got a call from the Nurse Practitioner we usually saw and liked and she let me know that they saw a shadow on the bowel of the baby in one of the images and she was going to refer me to the specialist and that I shouldn’t panic, it wasn’t a big deal. I let her know that they had already called me and she did think that was odd as well…I told her I was trying not to panic and I would keep that appointment. I remember that morning I received that call I was out walking with a close friend, and she asked me if I was worried and when I said “no” she asked if I was really worried but trying to cover it up. I said, “yes and no” I was worried, but then I tried to reassure myself and think “what could I do about it now anyways?” I felt powerless so I tried to reassure myself and not panic because there was nothing I could do until I went in to find out. I wasn’t bleeding, cramping, or feeling anything out of the ordinary so I tried to stay positive. I mentioned a little concern to Kevin over text after she called, but of course we both tried to stay positive and think “it will all be okay, we don’t need to worry”.
From that time forward I did have in my mind different thoughts….I misunderstood the Nurse Practitioner when she said she saw a shadow on the bowel and I thought I heard shadow on the heart, so I had Googled (which I know, everyone says is a no, no!) what it meant to have a shadow on the heart in the ultrasound….mostly said it could be a down syndrome baby, I thought about that and what life would be with a daughter with downs. Of course, we would still be overjoyed and love her unconditionally, so I knew we could do it. This is where things become gray on when I was thinking what…I can’t say exactly when I felt or thought this way and I feel like it is because I was so determined to push it out of my mind that I never thought to record or realize when/where I was thinking or feeling this way. All I can say is that from that time forward I was noticing I wasn’t feeling the baby as much. I remember not too long ago (I think before my 20-week appointment) I started to feel her move and it was the oddest feeling I had ever felt. Kinda like an alien squirming around in your tummy poking you. I remember it happened mostly at night and Kevin tried to feel, but it was still too early. I knew what it felt like to start to feel her move…I felt like it was only going to get more intense. Because it was so foreign to me, when it didn’t continue to happen or intensify I didn’t think twice about it because to me that was “normal”. I remember at one of my appointments my doctor did ask me if I started feeling anything and I said yes, (cause in my head I had, but it wasn’t recent) she told me depending on where my placenta is, I would feel her more or less…so I thought maybe that was why I didn’t feel her as intense, but I remember thinking I would feel her more as the weeks went on.
Well the week after I had gotten the call for the appointment to go back, I noticed I wasn’t feeling anything. I remember thinking “it is so odd, I don’t feel pregnant” I would look in the mirror and just see and feel “fat” I didn’t feel like I was pregnant. I also didn’t feel anything in my belly at night anymore. The best way for me to describe what I had felt was as if my belly deflated (My belly used to feel tight and a little hard like a balloon inside of me) My heartburn that I was complaining about not too long ago had seemed to disappear and I felt more myself. Which I thought was because I made it through the first trimester and most women say that they get their energy back and feel great in their second. I thought maybe that was it and that I was finally going to feel “normal” because I had a horrible first trimester with morning sickness and no appetite. My appetite was back, and I just didn’t feel pregnant. I kept trying to push out the negative thoughts and tell myself I am a worrier and I shouldn’t worry because they all say it will be fine and there is no need to worry. I never mentioned it to Kevin because I knew he was a positive person and I didn’t want to be negative, so I felt like I just needed to “forget” my concern because it would be silly to worry him too as most likely everything will turn out fine.
Conference weekend came and I remember sitting and listening to the talks all day Saturday and Sunday with these concerns and thoughts in my mind of “what ifs” What if she had downs? What if she had a heart problem? What if there is no heartbeat? How would I react? What would I do? How would we handle it? on Sunday during the session I remember asking Kevin if our baby wasn’t healthy we would still love it, right? and of course he said RIGHT! There is that saying that goes around “all I care about is if the baby is happy and healthy” HEALTHY! well, I think that is silly, anyone should love their baby even if it isn’t HEALTHY! and so that is why I felt like I needed to ask that question, we just wanted a baby. PERIOD. We knew we would love her and give her the best life as possible, and naturally she would be happy. I didn’t care if she did have health problems, I imagined a life with that and knew it would be a difficult road, but in the end knew we would be blessed beyond measure to have her with us.
I remember thinking to myself “if I am watching conference and feeling the spirit AND having these worrying thoughts…does that mean the spirit is warning me?” I knew that when I was doing something righteous that is when the spirit prompts me. That made me concerned all the more, but still with everything inside me not wanting it to be the case….my worst nightmare…any mother’s nightmare…of finding out something was horrifically wrong with your child (horrifically would be no heartbeat and that was what I was thinking) who wouldn’t want to push that thought out and want to be proved wrong, dumb, and just being a silly first time mother?! I did!
Monday rolled around and Tuesday would be our appointment. I went walking again with that same friend and on our way back she asked me again about if I was worried and what I was thinking. I just told her I didn’t know what to think, I told her about my concerns and what I felt the previous day during conference, that I hadn’t told Kevin anything, and that I couldn’t feel anything in my tummy. I just “didn’t feel pregnant”. She told me if I was so concerned why not call the Doctor now? I just felt like I would be silly, and since I wasn’t in pain…no bleeding…no cramping…I really didn’t have an excuse to call….besides my appointment was tomorrow, isn’t too late? Was there really anything anyone could do? she told me to go home and concentrate on feeling the baby…poke around, lay down and really feel her….she would text me in half an hour to check on me…I went home and didn’t do it at first….I ate lunch and turned on the TV, and just felt defeated…like I already knew….she finally texted me and I didn’t want to be a liar, so I did lie down, poked around, and closed my eyes….I tried to feel anything….all I felt was my fat being poked. I felt squishy, and not the pregnant kind…I just wrote her back saying I didn’t feel anything. I tried to lighten the mood by saying maybe I should eat something spicy and that I am sure everything is fine and not to worry.
That night I told Kevin we should go buy the paint for the baby’s room, as we had planned what we wanted to do and my friend was willing to help me that Wednesday to get things going. Although I was worried, I didn’t want to live in fear, so I wanted to continue to live life normally (now I look back thinking, I was probably in denial and not wanting to face reality). We went to Lowes and bought paint and paint supplies talking and daydreaming about what we wanted the room to look like. We had a great time and I was starting to feel like this is going to happen and it will work out!
That night it still weighed heavily on my mind. I remember we said our couple prayers and then I said a personal prayer. I remember praying for comfort that whatever was to happen the next day that I would be okay. I prayed for the Ultrasound tech and anyone who may have to deliver the sad news that they would handle me gently and be inspired in how to go about telling me the sad news.
The next morning I had a thought that maybe before we went into the doctor’s office I should let Kevin know what I was thinking, I thought to do it as I woke up….no….do it at breakfast….no….we decided to take two cars because he was going to head to work after….I then thought okay I will let him know as we walk into the office, but as we parked and got out and held hands walking to the office, I think I was so nervous I forgot. We walked in the office and I was nervous and anxious to get things going and of course we were waiting for what felt like an eternity. The specialist’s office was always running behind, we waited there for close to an hour before they called us back. I remember being so nervous as I walked down the hallway I was so nervous and anxious to just sit on the seat and have them tell me everything was alright so I could be proved wrong and a silly over-worrier. I sat down trying as hard as I could to act calm as she put the gel on me to probe around on my stomach. The lady doing it was nice, she looked around for a bit, said out loud “okay, there is the __ (I don’t remember what she said she saw but I remember thinking that was weird she said that before she said she saw the heartbeat). Then she said, ” okay I know there is a heartbeat, where are you…?” kind of like she was talking to herself. Then came the dreaded words that no pregnant woman ever wants to hear, she said “I am so sorry, but I am not finding a heartbeat.” I burst into tears the instant she said it, I think I muttered, “I knew it, I just knew it.” She told the other lady standing at the door to go get the doctor and asked me if I had known something was wrong. I told her I had a feeling but hoped I was wrong. It was a huge whirlwind after that, the doctor came in, glanced at the monitor and instantly was rattling off everything he was seeing, “I’m seeing fluid where there shouldn’t be…” was the only sentence I comprehended as he was saying medical terms I couldn’t understand. I was shaking, crying, and fearful. Kevin immediately came to my side and put a reassuring hand on my head and kissed my forehead. I remember feeling like I had let him down as I saw the look on his face. He had no idea that this could have happened. I regretted never telling him my feelings. Like maybe I was prompted to do so and I ignored it. I felt like I failed him in so many ways. The doctor couldn’t tell right off what went wrong. Other than him seeing fluid in the lungs, he said everything looked “normal”. They performed an amniocentesis where they take a long needle and draw out fluids from my sac and they sent it off to be tested as that would be able to tell if there were any genetic abnormalities. The Doctor couldn’t tell if the fluid in the lungs caused the death, or if it happened after she passed. To this day, I don’t know. After he pulled the fluid and ordered blood tests they had us meet with the genetic counselor to ask us questions that may help us determine what may have happened. We gave her a brief summary of our family history, she asked questions regarding the family history of stillbirths (which was none) and answered any of our questions. While we were there they called my OBGY/N and she wanted to meet with me that day. After spending what felt like an eternity at the Specialist office, it was time to leave. I felt hopeless and depressed. Leaving the specialist’s office just filled my heart and mind with so many unanswered questions, and confusion. I had so many questions going on in my mind as to how or why this could have happened. I was replaying the past few weeks over and over in my mind. Trying to figure out what I ate, what I didn’t eat, what vitamins I took, what activities I participated in, what feelings I had that I may have missed…and the list goes on. Nothing seemed to add up. The worst part was I didn’t have an answer. The specialist and doctor gave me no hints as to what may have caused her heart to stop beating. They both said I was healthy and there was no indicator that they could see that may have caused it. That is why the specialist did so many blood tests, if it was a Chromosomal issue that would show up, but because babies are so complicated there was no way to pinpoint what may have happened. It would take weeks for me to get the results back. It was killing me that I had no answers. It left me feeling like I did something wrong, but no one was telling me what. I remember walking out of the office feeling so empty with puffy eyes, I stared at the floor on our way out as I didn’t want to look at the other pregnant women there or have them look at me.
Walking back to our cars, I was sobbing as I apologized to Kevin over and over about not sharing with him my feelings. I just could not get past the look in his eyes when he found out. He had no reason to believe there were any issues, only an excuse to go see our baby more! As time has gone on and Kevin and I have discussed this, we both feel the way it happened was right. It was okay that I didn’t share with him, maybe instead of me thinking I ignored a prompting, I actually headed it by keeping it inside and letting reality unfold. I was simply holding onto hope and wanting this nightmare to be that, just a nightmare that I would wake up from.
As odd as this sounds, we drove home separately, went upstairs on our bed and just laid in the darkness. I had a headache from crying and I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do. Our appointment with my OB was in a few hours and there was nothing to do or say. I remember Kevin asking if we should call my family, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to hold off as long as possible because I couldn’t even process this myself. What was I going to tell them? I just wanted to be alone before more chaos started. So I was laying on the bed and Kevin and I didn’t talk, I didn’t know what to say or do, he encouraged me to rest, of course I couldn’t, we just laid there crying. The time came to go to doctors. We decided to go get a Jamba juice on the way. I would say the mood was very somber or morbid a little bit. I had previously tried calling my mom as I felt ready right before we left for the doctors, but it went to her voicemail, which was fine because I knew she was at work. I think I left a message asking her to call back.
My Mom called back as we were driving to our doctor appointment. I remember not knowing really what to say or how to say it, so I let her talk a little bit as she explained why she didn’t call and she asked how I was doing. I explained to her that we just got back from specialist and we found out our baby doesn’t have heartbeat and I started crying again and by then we had pulled up to the office in the parking lot. My Mom started to cry and say that was the last thing she expected me to say for the reason why I was calling. I told her she could tell the rest of the family and that I wasn’t in the mood to call my brother and sisters. We hung up and we headed towards the doctor building.
I felt very awkward going to my OB appointment knowing that place is for women who are pregnant. My eyes were very puffy, my make-up is gone and it is obvious I have been crying. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t know how to react or what to say so we signed in and sat down. I felt like I had been kicked out of this club and I was in the very place that I no longer belonged anymore. It is amazing how instant that feeling kicked in. that morning I was part of this pregnancy club. I had a due date, I had a future planned. Then by afternoon I had nothing to do with pregnancy, it was taken from me and all these other women carried on with babies and I didn’t. All these thoughts are running through my head as I sat in the waiting room. Kevin and I weren’t talking, we just held hands. I was all cried out and felt numb.
Finally, they call us back and we enter the patient room where we again sit and wait. I remember Kevin and I wondering what was going to happen. I didn’t know the process of how this would work. My thoughts were that they would perform a D&C and they would clean me out. A little thought in my head was “I wonder if they would let me see the baby, it would be interesting to see the baby” I wonder if I would have to ask or fight for it. I was 22 weeks pregnant and because it was my first pregnancy and I was so sick it was hard for me to grasp the reality of what just happened. I wondered if they would just consider it a “miscarriage”. I hate saying that word, but I didn’t know if they would consider me or my baby as anything special or of value.
The Doctor finally entered and she gave me a warm hug, said she cried when she found out and gave her condolences. She then went on to inform me that I would need to deliver the baby. She suggested I be induced as soon as possible. The other option was for me to wait for my body to go naturally into labor. The drawbacks to that were I may not have the special attention and proper staff ready and waiting for me at the hospital and it may be more of a traumatizing experience. Scheduling an induction ensures the hospital would know my situation and prep accordingly. I chose to be induced that weekend as I needed a few days to process what has happened and figure out what we would do with the body (after 20 weeks the body is the parent’s responsibility, our choices included burying or cremating her, or we could give permission for the hospital staff to take care of her ) and it would get me time to get some moral support out as all my family lives in Utah.
